I’m a Disgraced Former Pastor

Plus, God is Gay

Oh no, I’m burning while trying to save my Icee!

I’m a former pastor. But now, I’m a disgraced former pastor.

Being a pastor is hard. First, you can’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. Second, you can’t touch people either underage or without their consent. This is all very difficult. However, the most challenging thing about being a pastor is reading the Bible. I’m not talking about all the “thee” and “thous,” but how finicky God behaves.

One minute, God says, “I love you.” The next minute, “I will kill you for some arbitrary thing you did back in third grade.” Dealing with God is like playing Russian roulette. For instance, if you drink, you could be fine. Or, if you sleep with a hooker, you could be fine. But if you drop the F-bomb, that’s it. Cancer.

As a pastor, I enjoyed the seven deadly sins. That’s why I’m here now. Gluttony? Check. Fornication? Check. I suppose I love my parents, but I hate my wife’s parents. So, check.

GOD IS GAY

People ask me about God, so I tell them God is Gay. After all, it’s pride month and let’s celebrate with the truth. Gayness runs throughout the Bible — from the beginning to the end and all in between.

Let’s look at some examples. First, look at Adam and Eve. Picture this, Gay God is all alone in the universe and conjures up some…