I’m a Disgraced Former Pastor

Plus, God is Gay

Quiet Cacophony


disgraced former pastor says God is gay
Oh no, I’m burning while trying to save my Icee!

I’m a former pastor. But now, I’m a disgraced former pastor.

Being a pastor is hard. First, you can’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. Second, you can’t touch people either underage or without their consent. This is all very difficult. However, the most challenging thing about being a pastor is reading the Bible. I’m not talking about all the “thee” and “thous,” but how finicky God behaves.

One minute, God says, “I love you.” The next minute, “I will kill you for some arbitrary thing you did back in third grade.” Dealing with God is like playing Russian roulette. For instance, if you drink, you could be fine. Or, if you sleep with a hooker, you could be fine. But if you drop the F-bomb, that’s it. Cancer.

As a pastor, I enjoyed the seven deadly sins. That’s why I’m here now. Gluttony? Check. Fornication? Check. I suppose I love my parents, but I hate my wife’s parents. So, check.


People ask me about God, so I tell them God is Gay. After all, it’s pride month and let’s celebrate with the truth. Gayness runs throughout the Bible — from the beginning to the end and all in between.

Let’s look at some examples. First, look at Adam and Eve. Picture this, Gay God is all alone in the universe and conjures up some dolls to play with, along with Eden’s elaborate doll house. Then Gay God manufactures some drama over a piece of fruit and kicks his doll out of the garden over something petty. But, before they can leave, he demands that they change their clothes as if the leaves aren’t good enough. So, Gay God does a Project Runway and adorns the dolls with the latest fashion.

Then, you’ve got David. Did David sleep with a girl? Sure, but only because all the boys in town were out fighting a battle. Plus, let’s not forget that David wrote over 100 songs in the Bible and played the harp. And this is the lineage of God’s child we’re talking about!

Speaking of God’s child, let’s look at Jesus. “Oh no! You can’t talk about Jesus,” you may be thinking. But I can. And I will. How about you think about it? Picture this: a flip-flop-wearing dude with flowing gorgeous hair goes around and recruits a bunch of tough-looking dudes so that he can give them baths…